How to help children overcome fears at bedtime
Does your child have fears at bedtime?
If so, this post is for you. Let’s dive in and see how we can best help your child become much less fearful at bedtime. Let’s get him/her feeling as comfortable, safe and secure as possible in their room.
As parents we have this perception of what our children’s bedroom should look like after we say goodnight and close the door…and the light. We picture a pitch black room where you literally can’t see a thing, even when your eyes adjust to the dark. I hate to break it to you, but there are no rules about HOW dark the room ‘should’ be. Ok, granted, it shouldn’t be bright with disco lights and lights that will overstimulate your child, but enough to make them feel safe and secure in their rooms. Some children just need to see enough of their room to help alleviate their anxiety, and it’s perfectly ok. Many adults even prefer to have some light on so they can see, and not out of fear of the dark, but just sheer preference.
So if this sounds like your child, go ahead and buy a night light, but keep in mind that when choosing a night light, the color of the light can greatly impact your child’s sleep, so it’s best to use a red or warm soft yellow dim light. These are the least impactful when it comes to disrupting their sleep. You want to avoid blue or fluorescent lights, as these colors can actually have an effect on the circadian rhythm and can send signals to the brain telling it to suppress melatonin which can cause your child to be more awake. So be really weary of these colors when picking out a nightlight.
When it comes to keeping the door open or closed, bear in mind that some children feel much more anxious and scared when they are totally closed in and are actually comforted by all the noises of the household. These children do not want to be totally cut off from the house and it gives them tremendous anxiety or fear when they are in a room with the door closed shut. If your child can sleep through the noise and it actually helps them then it really doesn’t matter how wide the door is open. I for one have a child like this and he sleeps so much better when he remains ‘connected’ to the household. You’ll know if your child has fear of missing out or if he genuinely has a fear of being closed in and cut off, don’t mistake the two! Your child with ‘FOMO’ will likely come out of bed constantly to see what’s going on in the house, he will be disturbed by every noise and find every excuse in the book not to go to sleep, whereas the other child will go to sleep totally peacefully and not need to come out of bed at all - even with all the goings on and noise in the house.
The Do’s And don’ts of handling fears at bedtime.
When it comes to handling our children’s fears, it can be difficult to know exactly what to do to help them overcome them and how to handle them at bedtime. So I’ve compiled a list for you of some do’s and don’ts of handling your child’s fears.
Acknowledge their fears
You always want to talk about their fears and make sure your child knows you are there to listen and help them through it. Find solutions together of how to make them feel safe at bedtime and how you will tackle getting over them.
Offer comfort, support & solutions
Never undermine your child’s feelings about a particular fear and don’t try and talk him/her out of it even if the fear is an irrational one. Yes, irrational fears are real fears and you cannot just convince your child not to be afraid of something even if it doesn’t make sense or seems ridiculous to you.
For example: If he truly fears the boogieman, help him through it. Use logic if he is old enough to understand and explain that the boogieman isn’t real. If he is afraid of bees, even if he has never been stung by one, talk about it. Explain how people get stung by bees and tell your child that it could happen although it can mostly be avoided, especially by staying away from them to begin with (I used this example because I used to have an irrational fear of bees growing up.)
Stay calm for your child:
It’s easy to get frustrated with children when it comes to handling their fears ta bedtime because it can be an ongoing nightly saga that drags on and on. And it’s also hard to tell sometimes what’s real and make believe but know that if your child truly does have a real fear of the dark or something else, we need to try and stay calm and collected so they feel heard and safe. The last thing you want to do is add stress or irritation on top of your already anxious child, this will only make the situation worse, not better. It’s not their fault that they can’t overcome fears on their own, or that they have them to begin with - we need to help them!
Don’t play into it
If you suspect that your child is using fears as a stalling tactic at bedtime, don’t play into it. Redirect the conversation back to bedtime and don’t get into it with your child or it can drag on and on. Not playing into it also means don’t start searching around the house for monsters or scary things that DON’T exist or you will exacerbate their fears. Instead, explain that they don’t exist and you will make sure they are safe and comfortable at bedtime.
Don’t ignore a larger problem:
If your child is struggling with a real anxiety or fear that you are unable to fix at home, seek help if needed. There are amazing resources out there for children dealing with fears and anxieties and you don’t want to ignore it thinking it will fix itself. Your child may just need some extra tools to help deal with his anxieties, and that’s ok.
We have talked so much about the do’s and don’ts and all about your child’s fears surrounding bedtime, now I want to give you practical tools to help your little one feel more settled.
Ways TO MAKE YOUR LITTLE ONE feel MORE settled AT BEDTIME.
We have talked so much about fears surrounding bedtime and I have mentioned a few ways to help your fearful child - but here are 4 easy and practical ways to help your toddler or child feel even more settled at bedtime…
Give your child a ‘worry doll’ or stuffed animal.
Give your child a stuffed animal, ‘friend’ or worry doll to keep her company and so she can snuggle up to when she goes to sleep for the night. This helps many children feel less alone. The stuffed animal or doll can simply be there to keep your child company or they can use it to talk to and tell all their fears to. It’s a nice way to allow them to talk about their fears with an imaginary friend or companion and can be very helpful for many children.Give your child a security blanket or item.
A security blanket or item can be especially helpful for your child, so they have what to hold or attach themselves to if they are fearful of the dark or being alone. It gives them something to rely on for added comfort and security. Don’t worry about an attachment to an object, think in the present and what will help your child RIGHT NOW, not how you will wean them off of it in the future. You’ll cross that bridge when you get there. Trust me, it’s not as difficult as it may seem…Print a picture of the family for your child to see.
A picture of the family is always a good idea for children who have a very difficult time separating from their parents at bedtime (or in general). It makes them feel like their parents are always close by. Frame it, put it in a storybook, tape it to the wall, put it in a ziplock bag, whatever. But it helps to have a picture for your child to look at when he/she is feeling exceptionally afraid or lonely at bedtime.Monitor what your child reads or sees before bedtime.
It’s a good idea to really monitor what your child watches or reads in general and especially before bed. You don’t want them watching a movie or reading a book about scary monsters or the boogie man (or anything scary for that matter) that will spark their imagination causing unnecessary fears to fester. You want the last thing they read or see to be pleasant, calming and free of action-filled things that could make their imagination run wild.Create a ‘worry tree’ for your fearful child.
Step 1: Create a tree with arts and crafts, you can buy or print one if you are not a crafts person.
Step 2: Then you’ll crate worry leaves. Each leaf represents another one of your child's fears or worries and you will write down each fear individually. You can velcro them onto the tree, glue or tape them.
Step 3: It’s time to throw those worries away! Each night before bed, you will talk about their fears and have your child choose one that he/she will say goodbye to. Then throw it out and tell it that it has no place in the house.Get a night light.
Last but not least, a good old night light. I know, I know, how cliche of me! But hey, it’s cliche for a reason - because it works and there is value to it. Get a dimmable night light with soft yellow/red warm light and this will eliminate any fears he/she may have of the dark.
