Separation anxiety
Let’s talk about separation anxiety.
Is your little one experiencing this at the moment? Are they suddenly clinging to your legs and screaming when you get up and walk away - even just for a minute? Are they suddenly having a tough time at bedtime when you leave the room? If so, don’t worry, this is totally normal behavior and won’t last forever, so keep reading. We will go over exactly what separation anxiety is, how it’s provoked and how to deal!
After spending much time talking about fears at bedtime, I thought it would be appropriate to discuss separation anxiety, as parents often confuse it with a child having bedtime fears. Yes, separation anxiety is a kind of fear, but not the kind of fears we talked about in the past, like being afraid of the dark or of monsters - It’s exactly how it’s described; it’s your child’s anxiety or fear of being separated from his parents. Your child is now aware that mom and dad can now leave the room and walk away and this can be really unsettling for children. What a scary thought!
So what exactly is Separation anxiety?
Let’s dive in…
Separation anxiety is a developmental leap/sign of both cognitive and social - emotional growth that your child goes through. It’s a totally normal process and most children experience some level of separation anxiety at one point or another. Children essentially experiences this anxiety when separated from his/her parents and will cry or cling to them as a result.
Where does separation anxiety come from anyway?
Let me give you some background on when and how your child develops separation anxiety. At around 6 months old, your baby has now developed what is called 'object permanence' - the understanding that when an object is missing or disappears, they know that it's missing and they now know to look for it, whereas beforehand anything that went missing was just out of sight out of mind. Not anymore! So when mom or dad leaves the room at bedtime, you can understand the sudden bout of tears and crying. This newfound separation anxiety is your baby's response to becoming more aware of everything.
What age do babies first experience it?
Separation anxiety usually appears at around 6 months of age - Sometimes a drop younger, sometimes a drop older. Some rarely experience it at all.
How often do they experience it?
Typically, babies experience it at around 6 months and again at around12-15 months. It can also be triggered during stressful times or if your child is going through big changes, like a move or starting school for the first time, etc...There are other things that can provoke or trigger separation anxiety like a big move, big changes, stress, the start of school or any other big changes that would potentially be really stressful for your little one.
How long will it last?
Sometimes it can last a few days, sometimes a few weeks. It’s true that there is no telling exactly how long your little one will experience separation anxiety for, but what I can tell you is that it typically doesn’t last longer than a couple of weeks if dealt with properly. It can linger on for some time if not ‘handled with care’, so to speak, so you really want to make sure you are tending to your child’s bout of separation anxiety with the tips outlined below to help them through it.
And of course if your child’s separation anxiety does not subside, as it should, and you find that there is no sign of it easing up or that it’s getting worse, seek help or speak to your pediatrician about finding ways to better help your little one. Don’t ignore a larger problem.
tips to help your little one get through separation anxiety
Use the tips outlined below to help your child get through their separation anxiety as smoothly and quickly as possible.
Spend some extra quality time with your little one before bed. Give them lots of hugs and kisses. Sit with them for a few extra minutes once you’ve tucked them in to help them feel safe and secure. But don’t linger for too long!
For toddlers and older children, talk through their anxieties and always remind them that you are there and they are safe.
Check on your child a couple of times after you’ve tucked him/her in to ease their anxiety about you leaving the room. Show them that you are there and that you haven’t left.
Practice coming and going in and out of the room throughout the day to show your baby or toddler that you are still there. You want to build trust in your child that you will return.
Encourage independent play by leaving the room and then coming back in to play for a few minutes with your child. Praise them for playing on their own and for waiting so patiently for mommy or daddy to come back.
HERE IS A FUN GAME TO PLAY WITH YOUR BABY OR YOUNG TODDLER TO HELP WITH SEPARATION ANXIETY.
Playing peekaboo is a great little way to help ease your little ones separation anxiety. It’s also another way to connect and spend time together. Sometimes those extra few monkeys alone playing with your child is enough for them to feel more safe and secure because you’ve secured your connection together.
Play this game often throughout the day to help reinforce the idea that mommy and daddy always come back.
For older babies/toddlers, play hide and seek and make it easy for them to find you hiding behind a door or couch. This will help remind them that you’re still there and you haven’t really left them- even though they can’t see you at the moment.
Playing peekaboo with your young baby throughout the day and especially before bedtime will be very effective in helping them settle and is also a nice way to spend those extra few minutes making your little one giggle and laugh before they go to sleep. What a great way to ease separation anxiety!
Separation anxiety after a weekend or a long break
Does your child deal with separation anxiety after being home with you after a holiday, a break or even a long weekend? Have you noticed how after a break from school your child now suddenly cries that they don’t want to go. Maybe they cling to your legs at drop off or hide in the trunk of the car (yes, one of my kids did this a few times!) or maybe they just cry inconsolably that they don’t want you to leave them. This is a totally normal reaction that your little one is having, so don’t worry!
Some children are more sensitive to the long weekend or break home with their parents, and for some, all it takes is that long weekend for them to have a total meltdown when it’s time to go back to school on Monday.
BUT WHY IS MY CHILD HAVING A MELTDOWN?
The reason for this is quite simple actually; after holiday break or a long weekend, kids have had the chance to ‘reunite’ so to speak with their parents and the idea of separating from them can really provoke some anxiety and is not always your child’s first choice.
They’ve gotten a taste of what it’s like being with their parents for extended periods of time and it can be really hard to get back into the school routine without them. It’ really emotional to have to separate and for toddlers and children they may worry about how much they’ll miss their parents or how sad they’ll be without them. Similarly for babies, it’s much harder to separate from mom or dad after being held a lot more over the weekend or after getting to be around their parents all day every day over a school break.
THE SOLUTION:
The best way to combat this is to implement all the tips I provided here but also make sure when it comes time for school drop off, don’t sneak out! It’s also important to remember not to drag out your goodbye. Spend a few extra minutes with your anxious or worried child, but don’t linger too long or it will make it worse. Always remember to say a proper good bye, tell your child when you’ll be back, give an extra hug or kiss and then leave. Remind yourself that Your child is in good hands and will be ok. When they return home from school, give lots of positive praise about their ability to stay in school without them, spend quality time with your child and remind them that mom and dad are always there for them.
Avoid doing this if your child has separation anxiety.
Don’t sneak out, guys!
I know, I know it’s super tempting and may seem like a good idea, like, ”Hey, let’s just quietly sneak out when my child isn’t looking and he won’t notice…” but on the contrary, it might backfire or better yet, make your child’s separation anxiety even worse if you’re there one second and gone the next just like that and without warning. If they’re already having a hard time separating from you, the last thing you wanna do is disappear into thin air without an explanation, a proper goodbye or notice.
It may seem logical, that your child will just forget about you or be totally unaware of your attempted escape, but if you remember what separation anxiety is and where it stems from you’ll know that they certainly won’t forget about you! And they will certainly be aware of the fact that you’ve suddenly gone MIA. They’ll be nervous that you have left and they will be even more anxious about it.
The best thing you can do is prepare your child beforehand. For older children, Give them fair warning that you are going to soon be leaving the room and reassure them that you’re there and they’re ok!
For young babies, give a few extra cuddles, say goodnight or goodbye and tell them that you are coming back to check in on them and that they’re safe and secure.
So I hope this has given you some good insight into what separation anxiety is and how to best deal with it. Remember that this phase will not last forever and it will go much quicker if dealt with properly using the tips I have provided in this post. So hang tight, it’s just a phase and it will pass. Let me know what things have worked for your kids to combat separation anxiety and if there is any way I can further help you with this.
Bye for now!